he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
