Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
