You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
