I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
