I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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