I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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