god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
