is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
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There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
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Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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