im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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