I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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