he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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