Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
