you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
