he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
