So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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