the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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