I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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