Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
