I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
