Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
