True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
