Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
