That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
