I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
