im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
