Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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