It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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