I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm passing your future prison.
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I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
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Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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