I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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