So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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