my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
