??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
