I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
