All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
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Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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