and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
