he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
