sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
FUCK WHALES
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