You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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