I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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