Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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