I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
