Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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