Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
