Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
