I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
