That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I need water and some morals
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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