no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
