you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
