its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
