He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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