I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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