i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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