I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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