I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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