She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
