i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
