god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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