Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
