turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
